Last Updated on October 22, 2020 by Bob De Generio
Dating can get complicated and hard to figure out sometimes. That is why there are millions of advice about how to find the right partner and make a relationship last. It is, however, harder to find your soul mate when you hate the opposite sex. We take you through the nitty-gritty of dating men when you can’t stand them.
Why you hate men
Having accepted your dislike for men is a great step in the right direction. In reality, you don’t hate men; otherwise, you would avoid them altogether. Most of the time, what you think is hate for men, is disagreement with how men as a whole gender systematically oppress women.
In the patriarchal society that we live in, men are deemed superior to women. They have better opportunities in most career fields and even better wages at the workplace. Society has conditioned us to believe that a man’s approval is women’s ultimate goal and that women are always trying to trap men into marriage. This affects how we view dating and even how we approach it all together. For a real feminist, who believe in equality regardless of gender, this preferential treatment towards men often births resentment.
What you think is hate for men could be resistance to society’s stereotypes and backward beliefs. You could also be feeling hatred towards men as a result of your past experiences. You may have experienced rejection from a man you once loved and trusted or gone through painful ordeals in the hands of a man. For you to fit into the dating scene without issues, you have to search within yourself and find out why you feel hatred towards men. It is when you know the root cause of the hate that you can work towards finding a solution. Overcoming the hatred towards men is the first step you have to take in the search for love and relationships.
How to overcome hatred towards men
You need to work on how you feel towards men before you can even think of dating them. It is essential to work on your feelings for your healing. Overcoming the hatred towards men will also help you enjoy peace of mind. For you to overcome your hatred towards men, you first have to find the root cause of your hatred. Your feeling of anger and hatred is justified, and it was probably caused by experience. Maybe you were sexually assaulted by men in the past. Maybe your previous male partners lied to you and cheated on you, or perhaps you have been victimized and objectified by men before. We have a step by step exercise that we suggest you try out to help you get over the hatred and anger. Healing may take some time, but you will eventually find it.
1. Acknowledge the reasons why your hatred is upheld and write them down
This is the first and most crucial step towards your healing. During this step, you are required to be as honest and as mean as you can be. Take a piece of paper and write down all of the bad things that men did and hurt you. Make sure you do not hold back any of your feelings or try to justify anything that was done to you. Avoid softening statements that make your feelings less valid. For example, if your father hurt you, do not be tempted to write, “but he wanted the best for me.” Go all out and uncensored. This process might take some time depending on your experience, but make sure you explore every moment that you remember being hurt by a man.In this step, allow yourself to experience the feelings you have associated with these events. Allow tears to flow freely when you feel like crying; make sure you release the emotions practically as opposed to just picturing the events in your mind. Doing this enables the energy to move through you.
2. Make a list of all the things you have done to hurt men and ways that you compare similarly to men.
Most people admit that this is the hardest step of the exercise. Taking ownership of these things even if you rationalize them as justifiable helps you identify how you project the hatred. Be thorough and honest in this step and overcome the ego and blame game that makes you see men as the problem—making a list of the similar bad traits you have as men help you integrate with the ‘enemy’ and enables you to resolve the issues within.
3. For a moment, meditate on the men that hurt you as innocent.
This step helps you to overcome the beliefs that your ego holds deeply against men. In this step, take a moment to meditate on the person that hurt you as being innocent. If they are multiple men, make time to meditate on each of them. Imagine what it would be like if they were better people.
4. Make a conscious effort to recognize instances where men are great role models.
This step is designed to help you erase any cognitive bias that you might be having. Make it a habit to recognize and appreciate every moment a man exceeds your expectations in positive ways. This will help you start believing that after all, men aren’t bad people.
After this exercise, you will be able to tolerate men and seek to see them as lovable. When you have reached this point, it is now easy for you to date and find love. Here are a few dating tips for you:
- Be yourself- do not be afraid of expressing your true self. Do not settle for less, and this will make it easier for you to choose the right partner for you.
- Have an open mind- when finding a partner, try not to project your insecurities on them but rather seek to know them as a person.
- Have fun- having previous bad experiences could make you get into a relationship with tension and unrealistic expectations. Try as much as you can to have fun and enjoy each moment.
We wish you all the luck in your new venture of finding love.